Saturday, October 18, 2008
I’ve been following myself around, observing my actions, enumerating the possible motives, calculating the probabilities that I have never been in control of anything I have ever done. I am coming to find much agreement between the theory put forth by intensive study of social insects and my experience of observing how many of the indications that I am alive are admittedly authorized by other than me, the voyeuristic stalker of myself, whoever may remain after this investigation into the atoms of the self.
I know that I have a knack of being able to fill in all the unknowns with a comfortable story so facilely that I often forget and take it for reality rather than the life journal it is. Experience is a constant expansion of that saga as my borderless worldscape invites diversity as the fractal identity of scale ties it all together in a mobius loop of parts and wholes, chickens and eggs, us and them.
If I can do that with the unknown that confronts me every day so automatically that I mistake my painting for the tree without vigilant awareness, how much more refined have I become with the story of how I meant to get where I find myself. I could possibly have become so slick at the weaving the story of my life and what I’m doing that I interpret the changes in the hive of my biological bees as they motivate my thoughts and actions with a plausible narrative of what seems to be happening as I go along in such lock-step lip-sync that, like a glib football announcer calling action on the field, I can seem to be in control, at least enough to fool myself most of the time and would be monitors always.
Yipee! Something else to slow down for, new flowers to smell, more shit to dig up to fertilize new growth. It may turn out that the only thing left in my control is my attitude about being an ongoing chemical reaction which like the basis for every attitude, is a choice of having to or getting to be whatever we are.
That leaves the question of what is it that is left with such an awesomely simple choice?